Such a short time to have felt so long
Wounds so deep - shocking
considering how it started
Your hand begging mine to hold it
Mine reserved
The pressures of duty, the external why nots so loud I couldn’t hear myself think
The guilt of not knowing why I didn’t want to
A childlike excitement elicited with a maybe, then a yes
Your certainty, my reluctance - your patience
The awww shucks manner that lowered my defenses - me stupidly thinking you were stupid
Wounded bird - abandoned by mother - forsaken by family
I wanted to heal your damaged heart
Take the pain away
I wanted to protect you
Then it came
The other shoe
Like a missile
Blame
Why are you the way you are?
Why can’t you treat me right?
Why do you never do what you say you’ll do?
Why aren’t you perfect?
You are perfect. You should go to the gym more. I can make you better.
I love you. Why can’t you love me back the same way? I can teach you.
I would never leave you. The hot girl at the gym hit on me again.
Jealousy.
Sleep deprivation.
Insults.
Gaslighting.
Substance abuse.
Building up.
Breaking down.
Lying.
Cheating.
Stealing.
Leaving.
Ignoring.
Punishing.
Name calling.
You shattered the glass until my reflection was unrecognizable
Screamed until I couldn’t hear my own voice
Took the beautiful parts of me and made them ugly
Until it was time
And I knew it and you knew it too
Absolution was never going to come
You couldn’t be saved
I cut you off like a grangrenous limb
Poisoning the health of the rest of the body
And after some phantom limb pain
The sun came out again, birds sang
My voice returned and found its song
Back straightened, memory restored
I remembered who I was and why I was strong enough to love someone like you through your rage in the first place.
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